I've shutdown the part of my brain that desires a child. In the protective way a turtle hides in it's shell, I've turned off that part of myself. I don't think I am emotionally able to feel my loss of and inability to conceive and happiness for so many around me who are pregnant or new parents. So one emotion has to go; the self hurt or the happiness and joy for others.
I've successfully kept this valve of emotion shut down until yesterday.
Our new house is getting closer to closing, and when that happens and all the dust settles, literally, we are pursuing IVF again. Sometime soon, we will probably request another physician's opinion on our in-vitro success chances, while also discussing finances etc.... The problem is, that this opens the door to emotions that I've laid to rest; shoved down, folded up and buried with a piece of my heart. I so wish this journey could have a start and a finish. Instead it seems to ebb and flow, the grieving process never ending.
The problem is, that all of those old hurts and aches come back with the slightest hope of becoming pregnant again. It takes so much emotional energy to maintain my self during the IVF process that I have none left for others; and that's not a place that I like to be. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up in one year, after this last hurrah has passed. But, that would be wishing away time and living in a dream, which is a foolish way to go through life. So, soon I'll have to "buck up" and march through the months ahead, just to see where they take us.
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3 comments:
You have our support, and prayers in the months ahead. May God be so gracious and bless you with a child and replace your hurt with indescribable happiness.
Now that the dust has literally settled, I hope you focus on yourself emotionally and physically. We love you and are there for you both in your upcoming journey.
It is hard to come up with the right words to comfort all of the pain you have felt in the past few years. Uncertainty being the hardest to deal with... beyond all of the pain and struggle, you will find the strength... Focus on the postives in your life... a new job...new house... new opportunities and know we are only a phone call away... We are willing to lend an ear whenever you need someone to talk to. Keep the faith and think postive. Strength, dedication and persistance will pay off in the end...miracles happen when you least expect them. We love you.
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