It's a little difficult for me to talk about, but I've been thinking and processing it lately. In the hope to be honest with others and myself I will confess. I've been very angry lately. Most specifically since our 2 IVF rounds were not successful. I've felt disappointed and angry with God for seemingly not assisting us with this desire to have biological children. I've felt cheated and left out of a wonderful part of life. I've never been a person that swears frequently, but in the past months, many offensive words have poured out of my mouth, attempting to rid my body of the anger that I feel. My heart has been closed to the grace and love of God, and my mind has been unable to allow Him to console me. There has been a disconnect between my heart and my mind. I know about God's love and care and will for my life, but I've been unable to feel it in my heart and soul.
I've felt a deeper understanding of others who express grief and anger on the outside of their bodies. I've actually considered tattooing my body with some symbol to express myself. I feel like I have no signs of the struggle that I've been enduring for the past 3 1/2 years. I've been on this quest for motherhood with nothing to show for it. My friends and family have great signs of struggle for their quests of motherhood; stretchmarks, children!, stories of labor and birth. What do I have to show for the months and months of trying to conceive? I feel this need for outward expression of inward pain and grief. A physical sign of my journey.
Slowly, slowly, my heart has been re-opened to God's love and care for my life. I feel Him pulling me back to Himself, and calling me by name again. My sorrow has lessened, and I'm starting to see more clearly. This life is not about me. My heart will be molded and shaped by the hand who created it. I'll do my best to allow this molding and shaping to take place. But, I will confess it does hurt sometimes.
8 comments:
Confessions can be purging for your soul. Please don't hesitate to share with us. I know I can not tell you that I understand..., because in reality, I do not always understand God's plan...but I am a good listener and here whenever you need to confess what is on your mind. I know that by telling you to have faith is such a stupid blanket statement, because that is what you have had for the past few years... Just know that your family is praying for you, and hoping that one day God will let his plan be known and you will receive the gift you have been praying for. We love you both very much and wish nothing but the best for you...Don't lose your faith...it may not look like much right now... but God has a funny way of sending miracles when they are least expected. We love you.
Thanks Kitsie, it means a lot!
You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the way you do. God knows how you feel. He's OK with it. And it's OK to express your feelings to him no matter what they are. He's OK with that too.
I don't think we'd be real if we didn't admit that there are times we doubt and pull away from God and get mad at Him. It's proof that we do have a relationship with Him. He's OK with it. Really. The journey involves honesty and I appreciate yours and I think God does too.
My heart aches for you & have seen glimpses of your heartache. It's so hard to understand how God weaves our lives on this journey. My prayers continue for you & especially for that peace that passes all understanding. We love you & want to share the good & bad times. mom & dad
thanks for your thoughts and confessions. your pain is heard and i hope you feel supported by those in your life. we continue to hope with you.
erin and neeraj
Jenny,
We are here for you always as well, praying for you and Jeff and hoping in the near future your prayers will be answered in a way that is pleasing to you both. I can only imagine how hard all this has been on you both, we are here to listen to your confessions whenever you need us. I am glad God is pulling you back to him. Thinking of you both always!
Love, Jina and Eddie
Thank you, to all, for listening. It really does mean alot to both of us to feel supported!
"We give comfort and receive comfort sometimes at the same time"
I appreciate your ability to share your anger and I think that anyone can relate to feeling angry with God at some point in their lives.
I understand your need to have something to express or show your journey. Even after our 3 years of infertility and now a baby crawling around the kitchen, I still feel that desire.
But know that the way you comfort people, in your job and in your personal life are stronger because of what you've gone through and how you've chosen to face it and that is an outward sign of your infertility, because you've endured with faith and strength.
Nathan and I pray for you and want you to have the desires of your heart.
God's peace to you,
Barbara
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