"Protect me, O Lord,
My boat is so small,
and your sea is so big."
Breton Fishermen's Prayer
In the months since our "failed" IVF attempts, I've found it difficult to return to my previous self. Throughout our years of trying to conceive, the dream of becoming pregnant has slipped farther and farther from our grasp. I knew that there were no guarantees with IVF, but also knew that our chances of becoming pregnant were probably the best they had ever been. So when IVF even failed, I don't really know where it left me in this ocean of life.
At first I told myself that all was lost and we would never have a biological child, that I would never go through IVF again etc...... As the days wore on, I started to have a new insight. I keep thinking that I'm only 29....how do I give up trying to have a biological child when I'm technically still able to attempt to. I think it's hard when the medical field gives you advice and their opinion, and the outcome is the opposite of that. I've felt mad for some time. Mad at the doctor who said we had 60% chance, and are great candidates; mad at the stupid intra-muscular injections that I submitted myself to; mad that there isn't a waiting list for people who want to have babies. But then again, what to doctors really know? We all followed the protocols to the tee; and life doesn't abide by a waiting list.
So, we've been tossed around, upside down. Waiting out the summer to get our brains and emotions balanced. It just seems that every option is such hard work. So draining on every aspect of life, and I don't feel like I could put up a good fight yet. Meanwhile, life goes marching on around us and we're still floundering to figure out if it will bring us more than the disappointment we've already felt. I'm trying so hard to embrace it...to let it be a part of our story without feeling so badly about it. It's like this feeling deep down inside of me that I just want to purge. I need some syrup of ipecac. Get it all out and start over.
I finally made the follow-up IVF appointment with our doctor. I haven't had the state of mind to talk with him until now. We'll see what his "expert" opinion is in the middle of August. I don't think we'll do anything too soon. Since we're building the house and not ready to pay for another round of IVF. In the mean-time, I'm trying to hold on to the life jacket that's in my hands, and do the survival float. I need to reserve and build up strength and endurance for the swim ahead.
2 comments:
You are both strong and deserving. Take your time "floating" and when you are ready for the big "swim" we'll be here to cheer you on. For now, we keep praying for the best to come to you.
We love you.
Jason,Sara, Leah and Mya
To "embrace it", you HAVE to feel it, and if you "feel badly", so be it. You don't have to NOT feel badly about it. It's OK. That is part of the process of it becoming part of your story.
Being strong involves being weak. And it is from that vantage point that real strength comes, not the kind that we try so hard to be.
Hugs.
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